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Top Jokes...

Man goes to ladies....

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". The man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.

He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"

The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"

Famous Composers....

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were once having a conversation about their 'Hard Man' images and how they did not particularly like this stereotyping off screen.

So Stallone had an idea that the three of them should try out a more passive role and each become famous music composers.

"I'll become Beethoven" said Sty.

"Good idea" said Willis "I can be Mendelssohn".

"Good thinking" said Arnold ,agreeing with the idea... "I'LL BE BACH"!!

The Russians and NASA....

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C...

The Russians used a pencil.

The Monk and the Abbot....

There was this guy that wanted to joined the monk hood and was told he could only speak once every ten years. He agreed and after the first ten years the Abbot asked him what he had to say after his first ten years. He replied, "Bed hard." So he went back for ten more years, and at the end of that ten years the Abbot asked what he had to say after the twenty years he'd been there. He said, "Food bad." So he returned for ten more years and the Abbot asked, "What have you got to say now that you've been here for 30 years?" He said, "I quit." The Abbot replied, "Well I'm glad. All you've done is complain since you got here."


Pensioners....

Two pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." They pay their bill and leave. A young feller sitting next to them as overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gasworks.

The little old lady pulls off her bloomers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his strides, whips out the little feller and grabs her hips whilst she reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic rumpy pumpy the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the feller is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in films, not from his friends, nor from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could do that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.

Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody do it that energetically, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that flippin' fence wasn't electrified.!!!!!!"



DEAF MAN....

An old man has been feeling under the weather and decides to visit his local GP along with his wife. After some basic tests the doctor sits the couple down and explains; "I will need to do some more tests, to do so I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample and a sperm sample" Being slightly deaf the old man shouts "WHAT!" Obligingly, the doctor repeats himself in a slightly louder voice; "I'll need a urine, faeces and sperm sample" "WHAT" shouts the old man To this the old mans wife leans over to him and shouts in his ear; "He says he wants to borrow your pyjama bottoms"!!!

JET FUEL....

Tim and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Nottingham. One day the airport was fogged in and they w ere stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Tim said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Tim wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings ... It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Tim says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Tim says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff - no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing ..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No ..." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in BIRMINGHAM!"

RULES FOR CHOOSING A SUPERHERO NAME

1. Don't call yourself by your real name: e.g., Ms. Jenny Pinchuck, The Amazing Stevie Foster.
2. Don't call yourself by someone else's real name: e.g., Mr. Teddy Kennedy, Captain Strom Thurmond.
3. Choose a name that suggests power, heroism and prowess: e.g., Captain Power, Thunderman, Mr. Invincible, Justiceman.
4. Don't be too modest: e.g., Mr. Pretty Good, Captain So-So, Fairly Incredibleman.
5. But don't labor the point: e.g., Mr. So-Powerful-Don't-Even-Think-About-It-Buddy.
6. Don't choose a name detrimental to your crime fighting image: e.g., Captain Spongecake, Mr. Silly, Yellow Streak, Mr. Purple Slippers, Captain Evil
7. Don't choose the name of an existing Superhero unless you have lots of money and enjoy fighting litigation instead of supervillains.


Due to increasing product liability litigation, American Beer Brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:

If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a Rolls Royce would today cost �100, get a million miles per gallon, and crash once a year, killing everyone inside."


A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon arrival the doctor said that he had invented a machine that would transfer a portion of the labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob at 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to bump the machine up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20%. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At 50% the husband was still holding up fine, since this was obviously helping out his wife he encouraged the doctor to transfer all of the pain. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were absolutely thrilled. Everything was great until they got home and found the mailman dead on their porch.


A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I"ll remove one piece of clothing. He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now seeing her naked for the first time and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car.

He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck. "Go to the road and get help," he said. "I don't have anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend! My boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid he'a a goner!"


A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. I told her First Class wasn't going to London."


Things to say, today. A few handy phrases to help you survive in the modern workplace.

1- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2- I love deadlines. Especially the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
4- Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
5- Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing him again.

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